It's time to go back to work after a long absence...
I'm back again in here the place I devoted myself to blow of all my entire thoughts of everything. At last I managed to convinced myself to pursue my desire needs, bring back the lost me due to past surgery that I had gone thru. The difficulty dealing with self-extreme where makes me feel so damn lost in my own life. Isn't an easy decision I could say, but at last after a many years of thinking and some reading for better knowledge on what I'm gonna do. As I do remember, I have done a couple surgery since the last few years back, may not be my luck in this life which I have to face all those surgery where indirectly crumbling my entire believes to have better life in this world. Thing that really make me feel so grounded started when the day the doctor asked me to do the surgery to remove a lumps on my upper breast which may cause me a serious cancer! How do I forget that moment...truly. If only I could describe how was the feeling and where I'm not in any position to refuse for my future health. Thinking about those scars left on me and will be added more after this, only God knows how sad I was.
Years goes by, the major lumps removal surgery has been completely done and it's now being apart of the horrible history in my life ever. The surgery left a huge scars on my upper breast, what else more I could think after the wounds has fully recovered! It's a another madness I have to face it....a lady with a scars on her upper chest near to her breast. That's it's sooooooo embarrassing, is like throwing myself under the drain. I don't know how to explain where is my mind when I've seen the scars flowery grows. Another uninvited feeling, how could I be with someone else if the scars are still there! Is it much to ask for me to have a perfect life like others..?? I'm totally demoralize deeply and started blaming myself of my wrong doings. Is it a payback time for all my wrong doing which I never think about it before. Is it a real life punishment before the end of life? silly me! I lost my self confidence day by day. As usual and being marked in my own calendar without missed, I'm being asked for a yearly mammogram and medical check up to monitor my health and to ensure the lumps won't be popping again where it use to be. Until I came back again for my last check up, i was shocked when the doctor told me there's still few more liltle cyst floating over the scanning.
Dear Allah, what else next for me..?
