There's so many things in my head... I wish to have a place where I could throw things out of my mind. Alhamdullilah...praise to be Allah Almighty for giving me the opportunity for being here again writing after such a long pause.
The world has distracted me too much all this while. Today I have decided to deactivated my instagram account and all social media platforms that connected to me. I don't want to be seen in any social media for the time being. Still working on few sites to terminate the account that link to my old profile for many years. Anyhow, I'm only stick on twitter for news update because I hardly check on newspaper, I need to be aware of what's going on with this world eventually. I think that's more than enough for the time being, not trying to escape from being social or communicating with outsiders but I felt the more I look into it will give me much more unacceptable facts of propaganda in life.
Spending another off day surrounded by the cats at home doing nothing, watching tv until I don't even understand what actually I'm watching. That trully insane! I remembered I bought few hijab when I do my shopping for umrah preparation recently, I decided to give a try in front of the mirror piece by piece pretending like a model wearing those hijab catwalk in front of the mirror ... silly me! And yes... honestly I personally likes my look with those hijab, I think I look more presentable when I covering my head. I wish the day will come soon to me seriously to become a real muslimah. Inshallah...
Talked about being a muslimah, I was born from a muslim's family eventually but unfortunately I do not have the opportunity to learn how's muslim's life should be. I loves to watch Astro Oasis, I admire those who can read Quran fluently... able to perform a multi type of solat and many more for a seek of Allah. I know Allah is everywhere and listening to us at anytime. There's a time I am questioning myself why I being chosen to live my life this way and why mom and dad didn't teach me all those just like other family did? I still remembered when I was in secondary school, the ustazah was asking the class to pronounce Kalimah Syahadah. I'm trying to pronounce it in a right way but I was unable to pronounce it as what ustazah expected. Only Allah knows how it feels when everyone in the class staring at you with strange kind of look and this is where the most hardest moments in my life started. The time when the ustazah start make fun of my pronounciation and asking me how could I as a muslim but I can't even pronouce the most important Kalimah Syahadah. I heart fells apart especially when she's said that my parents didn't teach me well without knowing where I'm from. Yes, I should admit I was sent to a chinese school when I was in standard one to six and there's only one hour class a week for Agama class and yet to count when the teacher didn't turned up for the class. Surrounded by chinese community in school for many years make me able to speak chinese fluently!
Due to what had happened in the class I've decided went to see the headmaster personally to put on my request to change to a Moral class instead. There's so much pressure I have to deal with each time in Agama class. I have to explained all the difficulty to adapt. Listening to my concerns, of course they refused to entertain to my request and insisted me to attend to the class either I like it or not by calling my parents. But sadly my parents didn't turned up at the school! This added more pressure and the cause of I've failed horribly in this subject! I have no ones to refer at home to help, dad was hardly at home and mom busy with her own things day and night and I leftover beside trying to understand things that I don't even know.
Deep in me, I wanted to perform solat where dad can stand as imam for the family but shamelessly said up to this age I never experienced once in my life. I trusted Allah who has created us, Allah can hear everything whether we express it or not. I believe Allah can hear what is in our thoughts and our mind. He listens to each and ever being even to a person with sins as high as a mountain. I prayed may the day will come where I can perform solat together with my family before I go. Inshallah.
Allah almighty! I know there's so much of sins I have carried along my life, unbelievable I being invited to perform umrah towards end of Oct this year. Honestly I don't think I'm ready to visit Mekah due to my condition but since the day I received the invitation I've spent a lot of time to googling around and reading some books for reference. At this time around dad will be going as well, I'm telling myself no harm of going with him. This might be a sign for me to see him performing solat especially in front of Kaabah. By the way I bought a new telekung and some other things for my trip to umrah, deeply my heart was smiling silently. Never came across in my mind that I'll be going to Mekah to perform umrah at this age. Allah knows the best and He always the best ever planner. Wish my dreams will come true and dad will be a better muslim once we reached to Tanah Haram. Inshallah..
I have the same dream as well when I'm with the one I love but the dreams just left as a dreams and I have to realize I couldn't have anything I wish in life. Letting go doesn't mean I didn't care or love anymore but I believe in Allah's plan. Perhaps one day I could have my own imam to teach me Quran and guided me to perform solat.
