I wish I wasn't so numb..
I used to laying down to cry myself to sleep almost every night and now. I missed those days I used to missed everything... how I wish to bring back what I have lost but it wasn't me to decide what life should be.
I wanted to cry again tonight but no tears came out, staring blankly into space listening to music while waiting for something that didn't even know what it was. My hearts probably break into pieces slowly.. I acted like it wasn't a big deal, when really it was breaking my entire soul.
The worst type of silence crying ..no one could hear my heart was screaming out loud. It when my lips start shaking trying to say something I couldn't do. I want to cry loud like a small baby hoping to hugs.. I bent over crouched trying to suck it in and not make any noise but it hurt too much to hold it in. Sadness is when my heart it's so hardened that I can't even cry anymore.
I will carry you with me just like how I kept 'Tito' deeply in my heart. I'll accept the fact that certain thing will never go back to how they use to be.. I prayed to Allah may this will be the last in my life and things will go away quickly. I'm seeking for strength to let go and entrust everything that being plan for me. I trusted Allah may not allowed me to be in pain for a sake of hurting instead of learning. Only Allah knows my heart was so heavy and I'm so tired fighting to find my lost feeling... I'm seeking help from Allah ...I know you're there, I know you can hear what in my heart... I know listen to my prayers and I know are testing me again. All I ask from you is to strengthen my Iman so I could handle the struggles and have patience. Please keep me safe and allow my mind to rest in peace.
