Wednesday, August 12, 2015

bittersweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet life

At last,  I have a time looking into my long leftover beloved place to blog, I have been catch up with life that makes me forgot a lot of things that close to me. Too much of unexpected changes I need to follow thru..I know I'm not standing the same way where I belong. Take it positively and move on slowly. New year has passed over and we are heading to almost the end of the year again. When you get a groove going, time flies but leaves its shadow behind in many thing.

I am not a big on resolution as I never keep them anyway, I do understand clearly that whatever that we have planned are just plan and the rest is for Allah to decide whether you deserve to be getting what we have always wanted or He may plan something much better for us. I'm blessed and I thanks Allah for everyday for everything that happens to me. I'm surrounded by nothing but great people. Teaching myself to take all the burden as a blessing as life is not always easy to live, but the opportunity to do so is a blessing beyond comprehension. In the process of living, struggles, many of which will cause me to suffer and to experience the pain. 

Life approached drastically, I am not doing the same thing like what I did before for living. New field to explore but I would say to re-polish my own skill in convincing with well product knowledge perhaps. I won't say I was unable to deliver but I really need to put a lot of effort to understand more to move forward to achieve the target. 

As each day goes by...I don't develop courage by being happy everyday, I do develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. Everyday facing with a plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what I'm doing when I indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside my internal power over my happiness. I can just simply choose to not let little things upset me. Because I know each day brings new choices in life. 

I have a big vision and take very small steps to get there....I keep telling myself to be humble to execute but visionary and gigantic in terms of my aspiration. It's not about grand innovation, it's about a lot of little innovations everyday, every week, every month, making something a little bit better. Get big and growing fast, something that impossible to denied. I'm hungry of knowledge, a lot much lot. The whole thing is to learn everyday, to get brighter and brighter. That's what this world is about. Growing up, I was a target. Speaking and standing the right way, holding my wrist the right way as well. Everyday was a test, and were a thousand ways to fail, a thousand ways to betray to not live up to anybody standard of what was accepted of what was normal. 

Nothing to regret anyway :)  Enough said and time to back to work!
Always remember to live every day life to the fullest in moderation!

Auf wiedersehen und muaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. 

Thursday, April 09, 2015


Sometimes, what I needs is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart to stay and listens. I do a lot of thinking before I go to sleep, I play sense in my head. I practice the things I want to say. I have endless "what IFs", I plans for the next day. I think of all that people I miss, I think of all the ones I hate...I ask myself a lot of questions which I have yet found some of the answers. Listening to the whispers of my heart, there is sounds of lonely breathe. Something is screaming deeply but the noise won't come out. It's all this gonna be alright..? I wish this could be true, living is easy with eyes closed so I won't be able to see anything.."kot"

Monday, April 06, 2015

nevermore cupid

Dear damn cupid,

Go away! I don't want you....stay away as I refused to adapt into any of all the footprints you leftover. Please go but I won't say goodbye to you..I know one fine day I may need you back when I'm ready to hold your hand and when you're ready hold mine. I'll let you go and will miss you only when I realize you're not mine to hold and I'll never beg hold it again. Leave me while I am busy dealing with the state of confusion. 

Monday, January 12, 2015


New year new things same person! Some may start the year with the bucket list to do for the whole year or I could say just a long wait list of dreams to make it true. As for me, I have no long list need to be fill or to do list waiting for me. As the year goes by I enjoying things on my own way. New year eve! when everybody are busy seeking for a place to chill/party for the new year celebration, I was at home alone with a cup of coffee relaxing watching TV without any disturbance. Unsurprisingly things are totally changed nowadays, I don't have the energy or desires to be out partying like old days, most of my time I have spent at home alone. I can simply feel mess lately especially at the crowded area/place, don't talk about club or pub! There is nothing like staying at home for a real comfy and home is where my heart is! Hurrrrmmmmm I might sounds too classic but I have too to ensure myself constantly not to be antisocial because I stay to myself damn a lot, I'm a lot more introspective than my characters. Time has changed same goes to me as well. Slightly boredom sometimes fighting with my own crazy sense. Knowing deep in me that missing something that I'm not supposed too, things that not last longer and not meant to be mine.! 

Well, nothing that is worth can be though...but my experience is learned from the past. Some say the more you know, the more you realize you don't know but the less you know and the more you think you do. Freaking confusing lah pulak, I learned that life is short and that I would give anything for one more day, one more try everyday by giving the best I could. I will.... just like what I did most of the time. I learned what it felt like to be, with no question and unconditionally. Learning to appreciate a little things more and moments will play a huge role in creating a peaceful and happy life to enjoy. If only it can be created as simple as typing on the keyboards to portray the true happiness. Holding back the true feeling to be true, it is really a killer to kill my internal system slowly.


I have a feeling that I will make a come back start talking to myself more than anyone else, just like the way I did before, capturing one of the famous quote on the internet says "The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept." <= this sounds so true for someone like me! Well, I really need someone to share just like others did, someone who can accept and take me as the way I am. Someone that I can fight with and someone that I can see next to me when I open up my eyes every morning and be with someone that I see before I close my eyes every night. Hmmmmm........But things that make me confused sometimes when actions may speak louder than everything and yet to be seen like what I expected. I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that very few times in our life, if we were lucky, we might meet someone who was exactly right for us. Not because he was perfect, or because I were but it's all about the combination of flaws were arranged in a way allowed two separate being to hinge together. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances.....if there is any reaction, both are transformed! The truth I have yet lucky enough.. 

There's nothing that goes unseen, nature watches all the time, see I've written so many things I don't remember where I started from now. That how fragile a thought is. It just keeps coming and floating unknown in my mind. Even though I may want to move forward in life, I may have a foot on the brakes. In order for me to be free, I've learned how to let go, forgive the past because it is over. Releasing the hurt and fear, refusing to entertain my old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding me back from a new life, people are changing and growing. Moving on is easy, it's staying moved on that's trickier. 

Things that I scared the most...

I don't want to lose myself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting my value of life. Relationship don't always make sense, people like to say love is unconditional, but it's not and even if it was unconditional, it's still never free! There always an expectation attached, wishing and hoping are always bunch together. Nothing in this world was more difficult than love that 110% for sure.  


Love is complicated, when love has gone things left just another story to be a memories that we can't tell anymore. Hence, hunting and seeking for something unsure is truly irritating, I need to focus more on what need to be done the most. Knowing that Allah is always there listen to my heart and knows what is the best for me. Lets welcome the year which are still fresh, I wish may all the good times live on in my memories. From the hard times that will make me stronger and better than ever.... Kbai