Thursday, April 09, 2015


Sometimes, what I needs is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart to stay and listens. I do a lot of thinking before I go to sleep, I play sense in my head. I practice the things I want to say. I have endless "what IFs", I plans for the next day. I think of all that people I miss, I think of all the ones I hate...I ask myself a lot of questions which I have yet found some of the answers. Listening to the whispers of my heart, there is sounds of lonely breathe. Something is screaming deeply but the noise won't come out. It's all this gonna be alright..? I wish this could be true, living is easy with eyes closed so I won't be able to see anything.."kot"

Monday, April 06, 2015

nevermore cupid

Dear damn cupid,

Go away! I don't want you....stay away as I refused to adapt into any of all the footprints you leftover. Please go but I won't say goodbye to you..I know one fine day I may need you back when I'm ready to hold your hand and when you're ready hold mine. I'll let you go and will miss you only when I realize you're not mine to hold and I'll never beg hold it again. Leave me while I am busy dealing with the state of confusion. 

Monday, January 12, 2015


New year new things same person! Some may start the year with the bucket list to do for the whole year or I could say just a long wait list of dreams to make it true. As for me, I have no long list need to be fill or to do list waiting for me. As the year goes by I enjoying things on my own way. New year eve! when everybody are busy seeking for a place to chill/party for the new year celebration, I was at home alone with a cup of coffee relaxing watching TV without any disturbance. Unsurprisingly things are totally changed nowadays, I don't have the energy or desires to be out partying like old days, most of my time I have spent at home alone. I can simply feel mess lately especially at the crowded area/place, don't talk about club or pub! There is nothing like staying at home for a real comfy and home is where my heart is! Hurrrrmmmmm I might sounds too classic but I have too to ensure myself constantly not to be antisocial because I stay to myself damn a lot, I'm a lot more introspective than my characters. Time has changed same goes to me as well. Slightly boredom sometimes fighting with my own crazy sense. Knowing deep in me that missing something that I'm not supposed too, things that not last longer and not meant to be mine.! 

Well, nothing that is worth can be though...but my experience is learned from the past. Some say the more you know, the more you realize you don't know but the less you know and the more you think you do. Freaking confusing lah pulak, I learned that life is short and that I would give anything for one more day, one more try everyday by giving the best I could. I will.... just like what I did most of the time. I learned what it felt like to be, with no question and unconditionally. Learning to appreciate a little things more and moments will play a huge role in creating a peaceful and happy life to enjoy. If only it can be created as simple as typing on the keyboards to portray the true happiness. Holding back the true feeling to be true, it is really a killer to kill my internal system slowly.


I have a feeling that I will make a come back start talking to myself more than anyone else, just like the way I did before, capturing one of the famous quote on the internet says "The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept." <= this sounds so true for someone like me! Well, I really need someone to share just like others did, someone who can accept and take me as the way I am. Someone that I can fight with and someone that I can see next to me when I open up my eyes every morning and be with someone that I see before I close my eyes every night. Hmmmmm........But things that make me confused sometimes when actions may speak louder than everything and yet to be seen like what I expected. I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that very few times in our life, if we were lucky, we might meet someone who was exactly right for us. Not because he was perfect, or because I were but it's all about the combination of flaws were arranged in a way allowed two separate being to hinge together. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances.....if there is any reaction, both are transformed! The truth I have yet lucky enough.. 

There's nothing that goes unseen, nature watches all the time, see I've written so many things I don't remember where I started from now. That how fragile a thought is. It just keeps coming and floating unknown in my mind. Even though I may want to move forward in life, I may have a foot on the brakes. In order for me to be free, I've learned how to let go, forgive the past because it is over. Releasing the hurt and fear, refusing to entertain my old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding me back from a new life, people are changing and growing. Moving on is easy, it's staying moved on that's trickier. 

Things that I scared the most...

I don't want to lose myself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting my value of life. Relationship don't always make sense, people like to say love is unconditional, but it's not and even if it was unconditional, it's still never free! There always an expectation attached, wishing and hoping are always bunch together. Nothing in this world was more difficult than love that 110% for sure.  


Love is complicated, when love has gone things left just another story to be a memories that we can't tell anymore. Hence, hunting and seeking for something unsure is truly irritating, I need to focus more on what need to be done the most. Knowing that Allah is always there listen to my heart and knows what is the best for me. Lets welcome the year which are still fresh, I wish may all the good times live on in my memories. From the hard times that will make me stronger and better than ever.... Kbai 

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014 to be remember..

A day before the end of 2014. Nothing much left at the office during this moment, people come and go. So many things on my desk but yet to know where should I start, those left is like me stayed because we have ran out of annual leave for the year. By then I have to come to work until I get my new leave entitlement for 2015. Pooooooor me! but that's fine. I have to fully responsible on what I have done earlier. Stay awake please dearie eyes! 

Times flies over everybody but leaves its shadow behind. Look at the time, It's farewell to 2015.  It is less then 48 hours before New Year. So many things happened unexpected and unplanned at one time and never to be recalled. I feel much-much better then before, the way I am, people surrounding, financial and social life. I am happy with the way things are that I managed by myself and the only me the only one standing in my way.

Hurmmm..these few days I've found myself too weak, I am sick for no reason after a week came back from my vacation. Started with the eyes sore and coughing, the cough dragging me for almost a week. Things are getting worst especially at night when I was in the deep sleep. I'd went to see a doctor for 3 times, and I would say I managed to finished all the cough syrup that doctor gave to me earlier. I feel my nerves getting stretch each time coughing, truly horrible and dying. Asking myself, if this may cause of smoking?  but I doubt. I still refused to admit and to stop smoking even I know smoking may kill me quietly. Recall the day that I started to smoke, hrmmm since last 20 years ago I guess. Reason being, life stressed and probably moving into an adulthood lifestyle. It's a strong addiction and now became an habit that is very difficult to break. The only bad excitement of experimenting with something that forbidden + I never had an experience with anybody to be around like who really care to stop me to do whatever I wanted to do. 

I may not have a specific reason to excused and stick as a smoker but life stress and pressure may cause of anything happened. Well, just my silly excused! :p By the way I am still a smoker until today because that's the only thing that I could do to make myself more relaxed while going through a hard time in my daily life and knowing that I am wasting my money too buying cigarettes :'( but it's still fine for me rather I become a drugs or alcoholic addicts right!

What else will stay..

So many things come and go within the year, happiness and sadness. Just being a part of the color in my life. Experience is the best teacher ever! Much of things I know and understand has been learned through experience. Whether it was time spent of doing things or having experience out in the world, much of what I have learn is accomplished through doing and interacting with others. Bottom ups, I can't help getting older but I don't have to get old! Hahaha things that will stay for sure! Run baby run faster! Haha

Well, I don't have a sweet doovy lovey story of the year to tell neither a cute fairy tale dreams to share. My pray will always be the same everyday every year, for a better luck tomorrow and day ahead. Wishing a better life living forward and stay smile :-) 

to be continue..