Monday, September 07, 2015

I miss you so much....damn much

Try to not confuse "attachment" with "love"
Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn't about what others can give you because you're empty. It is about what you can give others because you're already full.
-Yasmin Mogahed

Well said! I should agree with her! We may confuse ourselves sometimes between both. The attachment while dealing with people surrounding may drag into other things when you're out of control. Convincing, confronting and manipulating in order to create something you wish! this is such a bunch of uncounted mess. Talk about those everyday....this is not what actually I want it to be, but silently pushing myself to comply to all requirements every single day in my daily life. Work hard to achieve my yearly target, it's really a difficult task to work with without compromising. Gambling the games to won the bid..  the circulation of the routine. I have to prove my capability to deliver the task well and beyond the expectations.  

I've gone through enough to understand what it's like to be attached to something or someone in order to be happy. In so many ways wasn't willing to admit how controlling I had become to sustain an idea of happiness. I was very unassertive and passive but was both ways with purpose in mind to control how people think and felt about me. To be liked! It wasn't until I looked at my intentions, my behaviors and put the focus back in me instead of other people in my daily life that makes me started the process of finding unattached love. 

Loving yourself isn't always easy but I do believe that's where it's starts. It sounds funny and a lil bit unimportant but it's the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. It's how you disconnect your idea of happiness with other people, a job, your dream, fortune & future. If you like to be in control of things then irony is great. When you let go of your need to control everything you become more in control of your life then ever before. 

Love...such a complicated thing to deal with...between us..??!!!!!
Nothing is firm for sure.....we do missing each other. We do talked like a best friends, we play like a small kids, we fights for no reasons, argue like a loving couple, but yet we are just a friend. We are just two stubborn people together be the most loving & stressful shit ever! When we are in good, we being so great but when things are bad, we are damn fucking terrible like no way to rid of it. There's a time I don't understand this relationship neither. Sometimes, we're friends. Sometimes, we're more then friends. Other times, I'm the one who lay on your shoulder sleep like a small baby and nagging for your warm cuddles. 

Of all.....I don't love you like I do before! ahaha Indirectly we pushed ourselves away due for unknown excuses. But deeply our heart just blended itself together quietly. My heart do love you damn much but physically we keep on pretending that we are not meaning anything to each other. I'll take it as it is, no matter where you been, you'll be back here. Nothing is more special than our mutual understanding. That's enough to make me feel in loved. If you believe in love but find it difficult to explain, this is for you.....I'm not your love one but I'll be the one you love to see when you're here....because thing that I want to keep just us, nothing more! 

This is a fair game till the next war....because I do love the way things mess around the feeling :') best of luck for everything.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

bittersweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet life

At last,  I have a time looking into my long leftover beloved place to blog, I have been catch up with life that makes me forgot a lot of things that close to me. Too much of unexpected changes I need to follow thru..I know I'm not standing the same way where I belong. Take it positively and move on slowly. New year has passed over and we are heading to almost the end of the year again. When you get a groove going, time flies but leaves its shadow behind in many thing.

I am not a big on resolution as I never keep them anyway, I do understand clearly that whatever that we have planned are just plan and the rest is for Allah to decide whether you deserve to be getting what we have always wanted or He may plan something much better for us. I'm blessed and I thanks Allah for everyday for everything that happens to me. I'm surrounded by nothing but great people. Teaching myself to take all the burden as a blessing as life is not always easy to live, but the opportunity to do so is a blessing beyond comprehension. In the process of living, struggles, many of which will cause me to suffer and to experience the pain. 

Life approached drastically, I am not doing the same thing like what I did before for living. New field to explore but I would say to re-polish my own skill in convincing with well product knowledge perhaps. I won't say I was unable to deliver but I really need to put a lot of effort to understand more to move forward to achieve the target. 

As each day goes by...I don't develop courage by being happy everyday, I do develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. Everyday facing with a plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what I'm doing when I indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside my internal power over my happiness. I can just simply choose to not let little things upset me. Because I know each day brings new choices in life. 

I have a big vision and take very small steps to get there....I keep telling myself to be humble to execute but visionary and gigantic in terms of my aspiration. It's not about grand innovation, it's about a lot of little innovations everyday, every week, every month, making something a little bit better. Get big and growing fast, something that impossible to denied. I'm hungry of knowledge, a lot much lot. The whole thing is to learn everyday, to get brighter and brighter. That's what this world is about. Growing up, I was a target. Speaking and standing the right way, holding my wrist the right way as well. Everyday was a test, and were a thousand ways to fail, a thousand ways to betray to not live up to anybody standard of what was accepted of what was normal. 

Nothing to regret anyway :)  Enough said and time to back to work!
Always remember to live every day life to the fullest in moderation!

Auf wiedersehen und muaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. 

Thursday, April 09, 2015


Sometimes, what I needs is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a patient heart to stay and listens. I do a lot of thinking before I go to sleep, I play sense in my head. I practice the things I want to say. I have endless "what IFs", I plans for the next day. I think of all that people I miss, I think of all the ones I hate...I ask myself a lot of questions which I have yet found some of the answers. Listening to the whispers of my heart, there is sounds of lonely breathe. Something is screaming deeply but the noise won't come out. It's all this gonna be alright..? I wish this could be true, living is easy with eyes closed so I won't be able to see anything.."kot"

Monday, April 06, 2015

nevermore cupid

Dear damn cupid,

Go away! I don't want you....stay away as I refused to adapt into any of all the footprints you leftover. Please go but I won't say goodbye to you..I know one fine day I may need you back when I'm ready to hold your hand and when you're ready hold mine. I'll let you go and will miss you only when I realize you're not mine to hold and I'll never beg hold it again. Leave me while I am busy dealing with the state of confusion.